Men naturally establish their manliness via leadership. Taking charge of the family enterprise is synonymous with manhood! The initial steps are those of courtship followed by marital consummation, which is the loving dominion of your charms and entry to your sacred temple. I say dominion quite purposely, because in marriage the domain of your beauty and favor belong solely to him. Your submission in this primal realm of human intercourse confirms his manhood and establishes his natural authority. Therefore, when a wife defies his authority through disobedience, disrespect or refusal, she rejects his manliness and indirectly but still deliberately, invites the attention of another woman’s eager compliance by default – providing of course, that he possesses desirable attributes!
Once you understand and accept these realities you enter the realm of womanly wisdom. His regency may be the modest domain of a taxi or the exalted power of a prince; it matters not, for both are kingdoms and the home of each man is the castle of his lordship and you are his first officer of the watch, duly appointed by Allah then delegated by nikah! Begin to regard him as a prince, and you will engender his benign monarchy as an officer and a gentleman.
Learn how to appeal to him with wisdom, and do not seek advice from other men! This is a mortal mistake that will slay the life and love of your marriage!
Your most powerful guardian is your meek submission in godliness (piety); it will protect you from abuse and enhance any petition you might make. You must be prepared to let him fail. If you take matters into your own hand you defy his authority, and therefore his manliness; though you may gain a temporary victory, any persistent behavior of this sort will erode the foundation of your marriage and cause its’ failure.
You are not his conscience or his judge. Read that again! Make suggestions not demands; requests rather than commands. Do so by appealing to his lordship and he will continually polish the crown of your regency as queen.
Do not expect him to read your mind. You must tell him all of your concerns and you must not resist his decisions. Let him know the fears you bear, so that he may grow strong in his self-worth by setting cautious limits of protection in your physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional life.
Do not rehearse his failures and do not show loyalty to other men as leaders. The purpose of your loyalty (fidelity) towards him alone is to help control his ambitions and thus, guide his leadership through the diplomacy of your graceful submission and set an example for others, especially your children. This is an act of Dakwah.
By scripture, husbands are commanded to govern (guide) their wives and wives are commanded to submit. He needs you to reassure his leadership through your submission because this is, in fact, the Will of God! The Kingdom of God on earth is actualized only through a man’s decisions – be they good or bad. Bad decisions reveal areas of his character and judgment that need improvement: therefore, even when you see an error in the making, do not rise up but rather avoid the matter and let it come to pass gracefully. Do not rebuke or condemn him, but humbly appeal and offer help. This act of faith demonstrates the piety that protects you and reinforces your trust in both God and your husband, that they will establish whatever remedies are required – and remember always that the greatest success is born of failure! The more you show trust in him, the greater care he will take in giving direction.
Loyalty under pressure and error is essential to a man’s growth in leadership, and such loyalty is demonstrated only in adversity! If sometimes he seems to take you for granted, it is only because he trusts you. Never ask others for counsel in adversity without your husband’s permission, as this is an act of sedition! It will erode his trust in you as his prime minister, and will open a door for your replacement. He needs you to admire his leadership.
When he makes right decisions that reflect truth and good deed, and is slow to anger without seeking revenge against a fault; when he does not imbibe in gossip; when he rejects evil company; when he seeks wisdom from the wise and honors Allah; when he keeps his promises and refuses bribes or profit at the expense of his neighbor’s misfortune, you must praise and honor him for any and all of these victories. This is your duty of enjoining what is good and the example you set will guide your children to taqua!
He also needs praise for his Godly leadership to the community. When he shows signs of wisdom, generosity, spiritual discernment, modesty, sobriety, the example of hard work, patience, peacemaking, good management, maturity, and fidelity; let him hear you speak of these good deeds to others. Encourage him when he battles (is tempted) with any challenge to his leadership in these virtues, and ask him from time to time to share with you his deepest goals and concerns.
Be patient with his vision, especially when he is under pressure or depressed by the discouragement of life’s trials. Men are macro-visionary and women are micro-visionary. A man’s vision is often filled with long-range goals that require much time and struggle, but a woman’s vision is usually oriented towards short term projects with more immediate satisfaction. Men see national and world problems with clarity, while women see familial and community problems with clarity. Men see the long road to Mecca and beyond, but women see the path to Zam-Zam’s well for the benefit of the proximal community. Women see obstacles along the immediate path, men perceive obstacles on the horizon; both perspectives are complementary and necessary for success.
Express enthusiasm for his work and achievements. If you reject his work or its fruit, your rejection, in his eyes, may be more insulting than a refusal of sexual favor. This is because you reject what he perceives to be his God-given purpose in life. The chief desire of a man’s heart is not the approval or pleasure of his wife, but rather her acceptance of his vision and its successful validation by his peers and superiors. As his wife you are neither his peer nor his heart’s desire, so just forget the romantic idolatry. You are his heart’s necessity, and once he has found you he returns to his vision (his work) with greater zeal!
A wife’s rejection or indifference to her husband’s vision is a fundamental cause for estrangement and the downfall of many marriages. And it most probably is a major sign of incompatibility, which is best resolved by a peaceful ‘no-fault’ divorce. Therefore, when he shares his views be attentive and look at him in admiration as he speaks, especially when he talks to others, because this inspires their respect for him and his work. From time to time, express your gratitude for the benefits of his provision and inquire as to the progress of his heart’s desire and offer assistance in any way possible. You will not regret this! And bear in mind that if you cannot appreciate, or accept, or support his work and the purpose of his vision, chances are you have chosen the wrong husband.
How you dress and style your hair reflects your submission to authority, and is a basis for the spiritual protection that manifests inner strength, beauty, and self-control. This protects you from the intent of men with an evil eye and clearly announces to other women that you are not in competition with them! For women who choose not to wear hijab, please realize that your hairstyle must please your husband rather than fashion. A woman’s hairstyle signifies many aspects of her character that are readily discerned by the cunning and the wise, such as: femininity vs. masculinity; contentment vs. frustration; neatness vs. carelessness; submission vs. pride; diligence vs. weariness; softness vs. hardness; self-acceptance vs. self-rejection; obedience vs. defiance; organization vs. disorder; discipline vs. inconsistency; reverence vs. idolatry, modesty vs. immodesty. And of course, wearing hijab in public is one of the highest expressions of all the above in piety.
A wife should always dress modestly and to please her husband. Men are visually stimulated, so dress accordingly but not revealingly. Control your weight, as this is a symbol of honor for your husband’s leadership and your own self-respect, and will maintain his admiration and desire for you as companion and lover, lest you become a mere house servant. A meek and quiet spirit is the basis of a wife’s true beauty: it separates rights from responsibility and demonstrates the conquest of fear and worry through prayer. This is the dignity of poise and reflects your training in etiquette and right thinking (adab), showing you to be content with his governance and your own self-acceptance. Your grooming communicates the Godly standards of kindness, understanding, and wisdom.
The manner of your care for the home reflects your regard for your husband’s wisdom, provision, and protection. The convictions of character are formed in the home, and a wife’s spirit sets the atmosphere in the home as shepherdess. Keep the home free of clutter; train the children to be neat and clean; provide good music throughout the day, and appeal wisely for needed home repairs. What indeed has romance to do with all these responsibilities? When they are met true love blooms without peer or fear of fading.
He needs a woman who can wisely respond to those who question his ideas, goals, or motives. This advice flies in the face of feminist logic, but its wisdom will save you much headache and heartache.
Appeal to him as you would to any ruler of State. When you do so, bear in mind his reputation, goals, and authority – and above all, wait for the right moment! Never assail him with any problem immediately upon his arrival at the door. This is a grave error made by many women and will condition him to not only to reject your concerns but also to seek the comforts of homecoming elsewhere, or at least make frequent visits to the pub or café that may actually be prelude to an affair. Give him time to adjust and leave the world behind; let him enjoy your appreciation for his safe return by greeting him warmly and in peace; make him comfortable – be patient!
The preparation of your spirit to honor his leadership without words of condemnation will overcome his resistance to any advice, objection or request you might humbly raise. Be constantly ready to ask forgiveness if you do offend him, and always bear the manner of a loyal and loving servant of his best interests. Study the story of Queen Esther of Bani Israel and learn wisdom from her wisely prepared appeal to her husband the King, which saved her people from destruction. Never criticize your husband’s motives or convictions to others but always show appreciation for them, and do not respond to any negative backbiting gossip – just peacefully walk away.
Man is created to have communion with God, even if he thinks he is an atheist. This is why many men go hunting, play golf, or spend time alone in the wilderness. In your conversations, demonstrate admiration for men of historical character that sought after wisdom; ask questions that require him to seek such wisdom and tell him how pleased you are when you see him spending time with Allah. Every man needs a sanctuary in which to meditate, whether a quiet room or a place outdoors. His desire to be alone is not a rejection of you but rather a manifestation of his manly need to acquire a larger perspective, what is commonly called ‘the big picture’. His discussions with other men sharpen his thinking and teach him how to bear his own burdens. Be ready to receive his deep concerns, and never assume you are the cause or are responsible to remove them. Men were created to work under pressure because this is when leadership is at its’ best.
Ingratitude is a sword that pierces the heart of his manhood. Throw your expectations into the lap of Allah and not your husband. Expectations destroy gratitude for the blessings of God in your hand, so be content and expect nothing, and be genuinely grateful for each little token of your husband’s love. Material things compete with the weightier matters of spirit wherein true riches lie. Gratefulness is the basis of happiness and a happy wife is a crown to her husband, while an unhappy wife is a public rebuke to him. Be content with little and your joy will increase as the little increases.
A wife’s priorities are usually different from her husband’s. A man’s priorities often involve manly activities, expenditures, security, and reputation. This is not a bad place for you to start admiring him. Do not overlook mistakes he has avoided and compliment him on his wisdom in those matters. Praise his achievements, especially in areas where you want him to excel. Troubles will come, and when they do, patiently admire his development of character through such tribulation without adding to the burden with additional demands.
Your morals, wisdom, hospitality, generosity, discretion, trustworthiness, loyalty, fidelity, submission, obedience, home management, thriftiness, virtue, modesty, diligence, pious influence on others, management of children, and skill at whatever you lay your gifted hand to should be public knowledge. So let your light shine, that you may teach the younger women how to love and live with their own husbands, that your faith and character cannot be spoken against except by the pitiful jealous. One word of caution here is in order: never attempt to resolve your husband’s problems with any good work without his consent, as he will resent your presumptuous attitude.
The above counsel is ancient wisdom and almost completely counters the current feminist constructs. Those who fly the libertine flag do not know how to improve their lot except by rebellion against the men they have chosen or through flagrant seduction which is demonic mockery of human sexuality. Rebellion is faithfully followed by disillusion and anarchy after the mob has quenched its lust for blood. Even in victory its crown is made void by hands neither prepared nor anointed to wield the staff of authority. An empty bed is the shadow of nemesis to a woman’s desire and need for masculine company, and only leads to futile isolation and self-recriminating bitterness of soul, no matter her career or social status – except of course for those few who are truly gifted and prepared for celibacy, or for widows who have loved great men. Therefore, a wife’s rebellion leads to a fool’s prison!
If you are fortunate enough to have a man who does not abuse you, practice the diplomacy of humility and watch the miracle it will bring as he changes before your eyes into a Patriarchal Prince. If you are blessed to have married a true patriarch, the wisdom above is necessary for you to help him achieve his purpose, and thus, meet his destiny. Whoever you are dear reader, be assured that you will suffer no loss of freedom when you employ a servant’s humble submission. Quite the contrary will occur; you will prosper in your heart’s desire as your husband prospers in his purpose; provided of course, he is a decent man with righteous potential.
Category: Essays to the Contrary, Sexuality, Sexuality & Human Development, Sexualization & MarriageTags: authority, beauty, contract, estrangement, grace, gratitude, Humility, incompatibility, insubordination, leadership, libido, loyalty, Manhood, manliness, modesty, Rebellion, rejection, self-respect, sex drive, spiritual divorce, temptation, vision, weight, wrong husband